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thinking about times i thought i could forget... the tears well up inside my soul, yet i find myself smiling.
bitter sweetness.
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| being "home" in miami is rather surreal. its been so long since ive even considered this weak excuse of a city as "home." to be absolutely honest, i never honestly felt like this was home. at best, it was a temporary state; a transition between what should have been my life in hong kong, and what has yet to be determined. but as much as i never really took to miami, somehow gainesville took to me without my even realizing it. in the past five years, gainesville has become the home, the ground zero... that miami never was. and here i am, moving away from the comforting drunken embrace of gainesville, back into the grasp of the most alienated existence ive experienced.
ive spent the week playing video games with my brother jon, avoiding the unpacking process. partially due to the procrastination that is inherent to me, and possibly somewhat because unpacking means im accepting the defeat of returning to miami. maybe im not ready to relinquish the carefree attitude that gainesville afforded me.
the last minute, marathon event that was packing and cleaning my apartment gave me plenty of semi-delirious time to reminisce of my time in gainesville. sunday evening through early monday morning was one last hurrah of uselessness with chris, my brother present as a bemused observer. trent made an appearance and joined in circular trip around memory lane. it was actually one of the best times ive had in a while; it actually kinda felt like how it felt freshman year... procrastinating together, without anti-social distractions like a television or whatever. just sitting around, not trying very hard to get something done, distracting eachother.... smoking cigarettes because nothing else passes time better than sitting round talkin shit, while inhaling and exhaling deliciously toxic fumes.
it would have been better if cheese an ed had been around. our jato reunion the week before was a pretty excellent. and friday night, i got to chill with ed til the early morning like back in the day. everyone else had passed out after drinking entirely too much playing flip cup... but me an ed were troopers; we got blazed, smoked endless cigs til it ended in us making a pedestrian journey in the wee hours to keep the flame lit, finally leading us to waffle house for a dinner of breakfast food, at breakfast time.
well, i guess what im trying to say is: gainesville; i miss you. (which is why ill be visiting regularly, like in-law who just doesnt get the hint). word to ya motha
"
In a little while
I'll be gone
The moment's already passed
Yeah it's gone
And I'm not here
This isn't happening
I'm not here
I'm not here"
- radiohead
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| moving sucks. im not very good at it. a large part of that is tied to the reluctant farewell ill be bidding this town which ive come to think of as home.
gainesville, you've been good to me and been bad to me as well. for the past five years, you've been everything to me and ill miss you more than kids at fat camp miss cake. so tonight, instead of packing... im gonna go drinking one last time in your intoxicating embrace.
"like an old man drinking down at the tavern,
well I was one for the road and now you're headed on back home."
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goodbye, goodbye...
goodbye, to you.
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| tonight i was thirsty. the kitchen sink has been broken, and i havent felt like cleaning the brita tank, so ive been drinking tap water. well, tonight i was tired of the tap water. so i counted out a dollar in change, lit a cigarette and walked over to the pool where the two vending machines are... it brought back a wave of nostalgia. that used to be one of our things. a thing, which i had forgotten about. perhaps, it just became so common, that i stopped thinking of it as something special... it had become mundane over time, commonplace... almost a chore, and thus had shrunk in significance in my memories.
she hated drinking tap water. from the beginning of our time together, she hated it. of course, that apartment was dirty in a cliched fashion, so perhaps there was the thought that the water was dirty by association. but it was after the hurricanes that it really started. with a warning about possible water contamination... thats when we started going buying soda's at the vending machine, to appease her thirst, to avoid her distaste for the tap. it was usually mr. pibb xtra, because they didnt have dr. pepper. sometimes sprite. we'd rarely get coca cola, because i didnt like it, but sometimes she really wanted it. i guess i kinda caused her to drink less coca cola because of my distate. then again, she made me start drinking soda again due to hers.
we both knew it was a waste of money. but we didn't have a car, so groceries were rare. and of course, she always wanted things in an immediate sense. so if we were out of soda, and she wanted one... we would make a trip, or i would make a trip. it started at sun harbor... then the next year it continued at regency. they had juice at those machines, so sometimes we'd pretend to be healthy and get apple juice. in the dorms too, but of course it was a much shorter walk, just down the stairs to the common room kitchen. it's strange how much more significant it seems in retrospect. it was silly, and though after a while, i'd always act like it was a bother or that it was a waste... i always wanted to do it for her, so that she could have what she wanted. it ended of course, after she got a car in our final semester... just as everything else did.
i dont think i'll be walking to those vending machines again. another walk laden with useless memories. bittersweet, as soda bites the tongue before the sugar is absorbed by the tastebuds. except in this case, the sweetness fades before the bitter.
"there's still a little bit of your taste, in my mouth... it's not hard to fall, when you float like a cannonball"
one more thing for me to forget... again.
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